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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Sharing Family History: What one generation owes another.

    Author Jeff Katz (right) and moderator Marc Fisher at Wonderland Books in Bethesda, Md.

    Talk about intergenerational communication, of one generation catching up with the stories of another. Many of us, as we reach our more senior years, are sorry we didn’t ask our parents in-depth questions about their past. And some of us wish our kids and grandkids would ask us.

    I bring this up because a friend, Jeff Katz, has written a terrifically readable book about a terribly difficult subject: How Germans today are reckoning with the Germany of the Holocaust. (Unsettled Ground: Reflections on Germany’s Attempts to Make Amends)

    • He’s done it by showing how his parents and their neighbors, who lived side by side for a century in a small town in Germany, dealt with the events of the time, and more importantly, on what a growing number of Germans today are doing to recall the past and reckon with it.
    • The older history is, of course, a tale of neighbor turning against neighbor, and such stories are not unique in world history. But what Jeff is addressing is how the follow-on generations are affected.
    • Many of those families don’t talk about what happened–and neither did Jeff’s parents until he finally prodded them into telling him about his grandparents’ and their experiences in escaping from Nazi Germany. It was his parents’ personal history that got Jeff interested in finding out whether and how today’s Germans are making amends.

    The book stands on its own as a report about Germany today but the stories his parents finally told him about themselves and the grandparents (Jeff’s father’s family lived in a tiny rural town in Germany for centuries) are a reminder of how important it is for us to share our past with our children–even if it’s not as life-and-death traumatic as Jeff’s parents.

    I have been to one of Jeff’s bookstore talks (see photo above), and from both his remarks and the questions the audience raised, I’ve come to realize that what the young generation of Germans today is doing to understand the past is fairly unique. Other countries and people with equally horrendous histories have not looked back to learn about what went wrong and why.

    That leads me to a personal note about current events: We are living through a neighbor-against-neighbor time here (Let us not forget Minneapolis). I want to make sure my family’s future generations know that we, their parents and grandparents, did all we could do–and are doing all we can do–to stop it. What will those who are bearing arms (with military-style bazookas and grenade throwers) against their neighbors or applauding those who do tell their children? Will their children and grandchildren have to make amends in another generation or two?

    Unsettled Ground: Reflections on Germany’s attempts to make amends: You can find the hardcover at independent bookstores such as Wonderland Books and Politics & Prose, as well as at Bookshop.org, and all three editions at Amazon. You can also read an excerpt and early reviews at Jeff’s website.s

    photo: courtesy Jeff Katz and Wonderland Books

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Gifting and Getting: A wish list for gifts from grandkids

    The gift-giving mania of the Holidays is finally over for now. We no longer have to sidestep the occasional requests for what sort of present we’d like from our kids or grandkids. Except that it really isn’t over: Birthdays, Mother’s or Father’s Days and various anniversaries are still coming up. If a grandkid or grown kid asks what you’d like for a Special Day, I’ve got a worthy suggestion for you.

    I didn’t think it up myself. A friend of mine did. She used it this past Christmas. Let me lay it out for you:

    My friend, A, is a grandmother whose grandkids have been growing up and away geographically as well as more distant as they age into their teen and young adult years. For her Christmas present this year, she asked each of her grandkids to write her a letter. More specifically, a letter (in any form–email, typed, handwritten) that, in effect, went deep.

    She shared her gift-ask letter with me so I’ll quote bits of it directly:

    • I am asking you to write me a letter (which can remain confidential, if you wish) and tell me who you are today.
    • What do you like to do? What are your goals? Where do you see yourself by 2030? Doing what? What are your fears or concerns? What are your strengths? If you could change yourself or the world around you, what would you change and why?
    • Write more than a surface letter. This is an introspective one—a real set of your feelings and a picture of who you really are. I will write back.
    • This is a big gift and one I will treasure.

    Did she get what she wanted?

    • Seven of eight of her grandkids responded. (The youngest, who’s 11, is still working on his.) One wrote about how she did not fit in when she was in high school and what she learned about herself from that. Another wrote that he was a happy person who believed things would always work out but worried about the uncertainty of the future. Another wrote about how difficult it was to be the younger sibling of a brother who was an athletic superstar.
    • None tackled the question of “how I’d change the world.”
    • The letters renewed the rapport she had with her grandkids when they were younger and lived near her.
    • She’s is making good on her promise to them: She has been writing back.

    photo credit: Maia Lemov

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Blast from the Past: Our youthful slang is no longer passé.

    Whenever I use a term from my youth–like “wasn’t that a hoot” to mean, “wasn’t that funny”–I feel I have to apologize to my grandkids for being out of date, for using a phrase that’s totally dated. But now I find out that the slang we bandied about when we were in high school and college is coming back, baby.
    Thus spake the NYT in an article with the hip headline, “Why Kids Are Starting to Sound like Their Grandparents.”

    • “Language change is a team sport,” a sociolinguist explained to the Times. “You cannot get it going by yourself.” Rather, the spread of a new word, or the rebirth of an old one, begins when a given group of cool kids starts using it.

    That’s why, whether we elders know it or not, “sheesh” and “goon” and “yap”–the delightful gift of gab–are being used by cool kids of the Gen Alpha generation.

    What could be more of a hoot than being groovy again?

    painting credit: Tamara de Lempicka, “Tamara in a Green Bugatti”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Data on how the Bank of Mom and Dad is doing?

    Retirement looms for many of us as a signifier of our status as a mature person with wisdom to share and time to spare. Or it’s a tantalizing adventure we look forward to. But if we give up our day jobs and our kids need financial help–to, say, buy a house, pay for groceries or cover child care costs–does the Bank of Mom and Dad have the wherewithal to help?

    It’s a pretty open question. First, a Pew research survey from this past November addresses the question of how we are feeling about our finances as we age. No judgments here; just the facts:

    • Amid a dwindling Social Security retirement trust and increased national life expectancy, many of us are uncertain about our financial future and how solid the Bank of Mom and Dad is.
    • Four-in-ten U.S. adults say they aren’t confident they’ll have enough income and assets to last throughout their retirement years or say they won’t be able to retire at all. Only about a quarter of us are very confident that the income and assets in our Bank are solid.
    • Older adults are the most confident about their finances in retirement. Fewer than half of us in our 60s and 70s are highly confident, compared with 50% of us in our 80s and older.

    Meanwhile, a lot of us are in support mode.

    • In an AARP survey, 75% of parents said they were providing some financial assistance to at least one adult child (age 18+).
    • How much are we providing? A Savings.com survey found the average support per adult child is $1,474 a month, roughly 6% higher than last year.
    • Another survey by Ameriprise Financial found that 63% of parents cover ongoing expenses for children 21+, with 76% helping with big one-time expenses, and 36% worrying about the impact on their retirement.

    What are we helping our kids with? Here’s where the money goes (according to the surveys):

    • buying groceries,
    • paying for a cellphone plan,
    • covering health and auto insurance
    • subsidizing rent
    • buying a car
    • tuition and education expenses
    • credit cards
    • investments

    One last stat: More than three-quarters of supportive parents follow banker rules, that is they attach conditions to their financial assistance. The rest give money without any conditions. That stat raises the question of loan versus gift. It’s a topic I’ve written about in several posts, including this and this post.

    painting credit: “The Banker and his Wife” by Marinus van Reymerswaele

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    After the Minneapolis Killings: Nora Ephron on parenting grown children

    There are challenges to being a parent of adult children: They may not look or behave as we might want them to; our relationships can get testy; they may keep us out of the loop of their daily life and decisions. And yet there’s one constant we have: We love our children and want to keep them safe.

    That struck me with force this week as I couldn’t stop thinking about the pain Alex Pretti’s parents are experiencing, to see the videos of their 37-year-old son–an ICU nurse who made a positive difference in his patient’s lives–murdered on city streets by government troops. No, let’s call them what they are, thugs hired and paid by our government.

    • And then to have federal officials claim Pretti was a terrorist before an investigation had even begun!
    • Even in their sorrow, his parents released a statement which included this line: “The sickening lies told about our son by the administration are reprehensible and disgusting.”

    I have found it so relentlessly horrifying I hardly know how to keep from weeping for the Pretti’s, for Renee Good’s family (she was shot down a few weeks before Pretti was) and for the men, women and children snatched illegally from our streets and their homes. It’s disgusting and disheartening to live in a country that promotes and pushes such policies.

    My apologies: I cannot keep politics out of this blog when I have even a limited platform to remind readers of the horrendous and callous events taking place on the streets of American cities–and how we, our children and grandchildren are at risk.

    In search of some balance in these dark days, I turned to Nora Ephron’s “I Feel Bad About My Neck.” Her few sentences on the joys of grown children mixed with the never-ending concerns for their safety seem particularly relevant today.

    Every so often, your children come to visit. The are, amazingly, completely charming people. You can’t believe you’re lucky enough to know them. They make you laugh. They make you proud. You love them madly. They survived you. You survived them. It crosses youor mind that on some level, you spent hours and days and months and years without laying a glove on them, but don’t dwell. There’s no point. It’s over.

    Except for the worrying.

    The worrying is forever.”

    photo credit: Maia Lemov

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Refilled Nests: “It’s the choiceful economy, stupid,” thus explaineth Stay-at-Home sons.

    I had coffee yesterday with one of the caregivers who had taken care of my husband when he was ill.

    • When I asked N, who migrated here some 20 years ago from Ethiopia, how full her work schedule was, she told me one client had cut back her hours from three 12-hour shifts to three 10-hour shifts; another had reduced her work time from five mornings a week to three. “They don’t have the money,” she said.
    • Last September when we went for a walk, N’s sons were studying computer science at the state university. Yesterday, she said they were transferring to community college. They would live at home and she wouldn’t have to pay for food plans or dorm rooms.

    Is this what corporate executives mean when they increasingly refer to consumers as being “choiceful?” Or, as a NYT story defined what the executives meant by their term: “Consumers are either spending less at retailers or purchasing a smaller overall volume of products.”

    We parents of grown children–especially of sons in their 20s and early 30s–may be experiencing a similar choice, or at least similar trendy phrasing. As news media have been reporting, there is a marked increase in the use of the term “Stay at Home” son. That is, a young man, often in his 20s or 30s, who lives at home with his parents while taking on domestic duties like cooking, cleaning, and running errands, in exchange for rent-free living or minimal costs. Similarly,”trad son” and “hub son” are bandied about. They’re used to describe a similar living arrangement and to talk about the reasons behind the trend, if it is a trend. .

    • Vanity Fair tells us: “An unapologetic generation of young men are not only happy to be living at home, they’re documenting their lives as “hub-sons” on social media.
    • [NewsNation] reports: The term is a play on words from the “traditional wife.” ….Instead of the traditional wife who stays at home doing the housework, that role has been reversed to a new generation of men.

    What’s behind young adult men becoming comfortable as Stay at Homers? Here’s one media’s outlook:

    • *Finances – Times are tough, money is tight, rent is expensive, and just when you find a good job, all the prices seem to go up. It’s getting harder and harder to win at life.
    • *Relationship – Dating has always been an awkward challenge, but add to the mix how polarizing social media has made people, the high demands and expectations of a relationship, the odds that your potential partner is in the same financial state or worse, and the list can go on and on.
    • *Mental Health – Add all of these together, and it’s easy for people to just give up on the pursuit of a better life. Longing for the simpler time that home gave.

    From my caregiver’s decisions for her sons’ education to well-educated young men already in the career job world, choicefulness seems to be the word. For those of us whose sons have moved back home, it may feel good to have an extra pair of helpful hands around the house, but it’s not a good word for the economy our kids are inheriting.

    credit: Arshille Gorky, “THe Artist and His Mother.”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Post-Holiday Downer: We don’t get thanked for the gifts we give.

    If there’s one complaint that rears its head every post-holiday season it’s this: “Where’s my Thank You?” We’ve been generous to our grandkids–or grown kids–but there’s not a peep out of them about their appreciation for a carefully chosen cable-knit sweater or the always-useful cash (by check or Zelle or some other modern monetary form). It’s enough to make some of us feel we don’t want to give again.

    Why does it irk us? And why do we often chalk it up to their bad manners, poor upbringing (on the part of the daughter in law) or inconsiderate behavior? Where’s the gratitude? Why can’t they take the time to let us know they like it or, at the very least, they’ve received our gift. The hurt feelings run deep. And that’s what therapist Lori Gottleib addresses in this NYT advice column.

    The gist of Gottleib’s commentary is not so much about the writer’s grandsons (who have not acknowledged her generous gifts) but about the grandmother’s hurt feelings. The full column is worth reading. Here are excerpts:

    • You’ve framed your grandsons’ behavior as a case of bad manners or moral failure, but I hear a yearning underneath. No matter how much we tell ourselves that gifts aren’t about reciprocity, the reality is that they often hold emotional significance in which both parties are essentially asking to be recognized. The giver wants acknowledgment of their thoughtfulness and investment, while the receiver wants confirmation that they’ve been truly seen. Both are essentially asking, “Do I matter?”
    • When we don’t feel seen or appreciated, hurt feelings can disguise themselves as something else, like concern about good character or proper etiquette, because it’s easier to push pain outward than to say, “I feel unimportant to you.”
    • Do you want thank-you notes, or do you want to feel more connected to and valued by this branch of the family? If it’s the former, you could issue an ultimatum (no thank-you notes equals no gifts), but I don’t think forced statements of gratitude are what you really want.

    credit: Picasso, Still Life

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Leaving a Legacy: Who’s done their homework?

    New Years Resolutions–Intentions or Wish List–are still staring at us from our champagne glasses or to-do lists. Experts who follow resolution trends–yes, there are people who do that–report that the top intentional topics are eating less (or better), exercizing more (or more effectively) and drinking less (or not at all). On a December Freakonomics podcast, host Stephen Dubner mused with Katy Milkman, a behvavioral scientist, about how much store we put in our New Years promises to change. As Dubner put it in the podcast,

    • “January 1st as something of a high holy day” for behavior-change specialists. “Every year roughly half of all Americans make a New Year’s resolution to break some habit, fix some flaw, pick up some new activity.”

    One promise that doesn’t rank high on the fix-it list is making sure our estate plans are in order. That is, whether we who are parents of adult children have created or need to update a will, put together a living will or discussed our end-of-life preferences with our adult children. Not to make anyone feel guilty, this is just a moment to give perspective on where you may sit in the universe of doing your estate planning homework.

    According to a Pew Research report, only about three-in-ten U.S. adults say they have created:

    • A will that describes what to do with their assets and belongings after they die (32%)
    • A living will or advance health care directive in case they are unable to make their own medical decisions (31%)

    The older we are, the more likely we are to have taken care of this stuff. Here are the Pew breakdowns by age:

    • Among adults in their 60s, 46% have a will and 44% have a living will or advance directive. About a third or fewer among adults under 60 have created these documents.
    • Roughly two-thirds of adults in their 70s (66%) say they have created a will and 64% have a living will or advance directive.
    • About eight-in-ten of those in their 80s or older have done these thing.

    Here are some more stats on who’s done what:

    • Looking at age and gender together, women ages 75 and older are the most likely, and men ages 65 to 74 the least likely, to have talked to their adult children about these things.
    • Across age groups, people in higher income tiers are more likely to say they have a will, as well as a living will or advance directive. The numbers: 83% of adults ages 70 and older with upper incomes say they have a will, and 78% have a living will or advance directive. By comparison, 51% of adults in this age group with lower incomes have a will, and 59% have a living will or advance directive.

    As to whether we’ve discussed any end-of-life care with our kids, Pew reports that around two-thirds of older adults have “shared their wishes for medical care in case they are unable to make their own decisions.”

    • Fewer (44%) say they have discussed their preference for their living arrangements if they couldn’t live independently.
    • Parents ages 75 and older are more likely than those ages 65 to 74 to say they have discussed end-of-life preferences with their adult children. There are also differences by gender, with mothers more likely than fathers to say they have had these conversations.

    There’s one other piece of estate planning that long-time readers know I have harped about. In addition to the will and tallking to our kids about medical care, we should leave our children with fewer clean-up burdens. I mean clean closets. Pew hasn’t run a survey on this latter piece of estate planning; I’m data-free on who’s achieving this goal. I can only say to those who resist clearing out the basement bins, attic storage room or hallway closet, You know who you are. Be kind to your kids and your belongings.

    Credit: Robert Rauschenberg, “Third Time Painting”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Good Tidings to All

    With all the talk of toxic family gatherings and the politcal frights of the past year and for the coming one, let’s step out to revel in

    • the warmth of the lights from Christmas trees, Hanukkah menorahs and Kwanzaa candles
    • the fun of the oversized wreaths, chubby Santas and striped candy canes that adorn our neighbors’ doors
    • the brisk beauty of this time of year.

    All will be well. Someday. Hopefully within our lifetime. Here is holiday comfort from the meditative Tara Brach:

    “May your moments over these days be filled with presence, with peace, and with a sense of belonging to life and holding this precious world in your heart.”

    photo: Trondheim, Norway’s Christmas market

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Holiday Gatherings: What to do (and not do) when your adult child brings someone special home?

    All families have their holiday traditions. For those of us who plan a full family get-together over an extravagant holiday feast, there may be a surprise in store when our grown kids head home. They may bring a new love interest, someone who may be a possible new partner in their life. Or they may use the family setting to announce a commitment to someone we’ve already met.

    Amidst all the tumult of various family members pouring through the doors and taking up residence on the sofa, how do we deal with our child and their guest who may become an important person in our lives?

    Writing in Psychology Today, Jane Adams has some pertinent advice. It starts with this important point about what our kids may be up to:

    • By bringing someone home and incorporating them into the family tradition, they’re not asking for your permission or even your blessing.

    Here are some of Adams’s expansions on that point.

    • The holidays, which often reunite far-flung kith and kin under one roof for celebratory rituals, are a popular season for couples presenting a ring or otherwise committing to a relationship with a future, whether or not an engagement or marriage is formally announced.
    • Although a blessing would be nice, it’s not required. Young adults aren’t really asking, they’re telling. Their closed circle is opening up enough to admit you, unless you express your doubts, concerns, or misgivings.
    • They don’t want your judgments, they’re not asking for your advice or opinion, and unless or until they do, keep it to yourself. Maybe you don’t see what they see in him or her, but you don’t have to, although there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Tell me what you love about them,” or even asking, “When did you know this was It?” not in a challenging tone but a gently curious one.

    I love her final piece of advice:

    • Grab the newest member of your family, get them under the mistletoe, and plant one on them—after all, it’s a blessed time to open your heart as wide as you can.

    This column is one that ran last year when this blog was hosted by the now-defunct Typepad. The post seemed worth repeating as the holidays roll in.

    painting: Joanna Concejo, “