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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Leaving a Legacy: Who’s done their homework?

    New Years Resolutions–Intentions or Wish List–are still staring at us from our champagne glasses or to-do lists. Experts who follow resolution trends–yes, there are people who do that–report that the top intentional topics are eating less (or better), exercizing more (or more effectively) and drinking less (or not at all). On a December Freakonomics podcast, host Stephen Dubner mused with Katy Milkman, a behvavioral scientist, about how much store we put in our New Years promises to change. As Dubner put it in the podcast,

    • “January 1st as something of a high holy day” for behavior-change specialists. “Every year roughly half of all Americans make a New Year’s resolution to break some habit, fix some flaw, pick up some new activity.”

    One promise that doesn’t rank high on the fix-it list is making sure our estate plans are in order. That is, whether we who are parents of adult children have created or need to update a will, put together a living will or discussed our end-of-life preferences with our adult children. Not to make anyone feel guilty, this is just a moment to give perspective on where you may sit in the universe of doing your estate planning homework.

    According to a Pew Research report, only about three-in-ten U.S. adults say they have created:

    • A will that describes what to do with their assets and belongings after they die (32%)
    • A living will or advance health care directive in case they are unable to make their own medical decisions (31%)

    The older we are, the more likely we are to have taken care of this stuff. Here are the Pew breakdowns by age:

    • Among adults in their 60s, 46% have a will and 44% have a living will or advance directive. About a third or fewer among adults under 60 have created these documents.
    • Roughly two-thirds of adults in their 70s (66%) say they have created a will and 64% have a living will or advance directive.
    • About eight-in-ten of those in their 80s or older have done these thing.

    Here are some more stats on who’s done what:

    • Looking at age and gender together, women ages 75 and older are the most likely, and men ages 65 to 74 the least likely, to have talked to their adult children about these things.
    • Across age groups, people in higher income tiers are more likely to say they have a will, as well as a living will or advance directive. The numbers: 83% of adults ages 70 and older with upper incomes say they have a will, and 78% have a living will or advance directive. By comparison, 51% of adults in this age group with lower incomes have a will, and 59% have a living will or advance directive.

    As to whether we’ve discussed any end-of-life care with our kids, Pew reports that around two-thirds of older adults have “shared their wishes for medical care in case they are unable to make their own decisions.”

    • Fewer (44%) say they have discussed their preference for their living arrangements if they couldn’t live independently.
    • Parents ages 75 and older are more likely than those ages 65 to 74 to say they have discussed end-of-life preferences with their adult children. There are also differences by gender, with mothers more likely than fathers to say they have had these conversations.

    There’s one other piece of estate planning that long-time readers know I have harped about. In addition to the will and tallking to our kids about medical care, we should leave our children with fewer clean-up burdens. I mean clean closets. Pew hasn’t run a survey on this latter piece of estate planning; I’m data-free on who’s achieving this goal. I can only say to those who resist clearing out the basement bins, attic storage room or hallway closet, You know who you are. Be kind to your kids and your belongings.

    Credit: Robert Rauschenberg, “Third Time Painting”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Good Tidings to All

    With all the talk of toxic family gatherings and the politcal frights of the past year and for the coming one, let’s step out to revel in

    • the warmth of the lights from Christmas trees, Hanukkah menorahs and Kwanzaa candles
    • the fun of the oversized wreaths, chubby Santas and striped candy canes that adorn our neighbors’ doors
    • the brisk beauty of this time of year.

    All will be well. Someday. Hopefully within our lifetime. Here is holiday comfort from the meditative Tara Brach:

    “May your moments over these days be filled with presence, with peace, and with a sense of belonging to life and holding this precious world in your heart.”

    photo: Trondheim, Norway’s Christmas market

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Holiday Gatherings: What to do (and not do) when your adult child brings someone special home?

    All families have their holiday traditions. For those of us who plan a full family get-together over an extravagant holiday feast, there may be a surprise in store when our grown kids head home. They may bring a new love interest, someone who may be a possible new partner in their life. Or they may use the family setting to announce a commitment to someone we’ve already met.

    Amidst all the tumult of various family members pouring through the doors and taking up residence on the sofa, how do we deal with our child and their guest who may become an important person in our lives?

    Writing in Psychology Today, Jane Adams has some pertinent advice. It starts with this important point about what our kids may be up to:

    • By bringing someone home and incorporating them into the family tradition, they’re not asking for your permission or even your blessing.

    Here are some of Adams’s expansions on that point.

    • The holidays, which often reunite far-flung kith and kin under one roof for celebratory rituals, are a popular season for couples presenting a ring or otherwise committing to a relationship with a future, whether or not an engagement or marriage is formally announced.
    • Although a blessing would be nice, it’s not required. Young adults aren’t really asking, they’re telling. Their closed circle is opening up enough to admit you, unless you express your doubts, concerns, or misgivings.
    • They don’t want your judgments, they’re not asking for your advice or opinion, and unless or until they do, keep it to yourself. Maybe you don’t see what they see in him or her, but you don’t have to, although there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Tell me what you love about them,” or even asking, “When did you know this was It?” not in a challenging tone but a gently curious one.

    I love her final piece of advice:

    • Grab the newest member of your family, get them under the mistletoe, and plant one on them—after all, it’s a blessed time to open your heart as wide as you can.

    This column is one that ran last year when this blog was hosted by the now-defunct Typepad. The post seemed worth repeating as the holidays roll in.

    painting: Joanna Concejo, “

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Role Reversals: When our kids share the love we showed them

    As we age into our more mature years, many of us find our kids “parenting” us on the little things: telling us what to do about a checking account, giving us advice on how to dress for the weather or sharing the latest on what we should be eating for breakfast. Some of it’s helpful, even delightful; some of it isn’t.

    On the delightful end, here’s a little gem I found amidst NYT’s Tiny Love Stories:

    • Cathie Gandel wrote that for years she sent her sons off with the same blessing: “Take care of your little selves. You are precious and irreplaceable, and I love you very much.
    • At the end of a recent visit with Matt, her 50-year-old son, she felt a subtle shift in their relationship. “After a final hug at the airport, Matt whispered to me, ‘Take care of your little self. You are precious and irreplaceable, and I love you very much.’ ”
    • “Our roles may have changed,” she wrote, “but the blessing endures.”

    Painting: Carole Baillargeon, “Au Couleur de la vie”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Home Alone: Surviving a holiday weekend alone

    I must have been prescient when I wrote my previous post about people who didn’t want to be with family on Thanksgiving. That wasn’t me, of course. I was looking forward to traveling to my son’s house and being with my son, daughter, their spouses and my grandchildren. Grandpups, too. I was in fine fettle when I spun out a “what if” scenario of not being able to join them. Turns out, the day after I posted , I got sick–not seriously ill, just queasy and congested enough to make dealing with airports and flights intolerable. So I was by myself for the Big Day (Slept through most of it; the upside of being sick.) and the Big Meal (A big loss since my DIL is a terrific cook; I had soup, which was about all I could tolerate).

    I bring this up now because that previous post seems to have tapped into a larger trend. A good number of people want to free themselves from being with family on Thanksgiving. The message they’re sending out: Going back to the family home (often the parental manse) means exposing themselves to dysfunctional family dynamics, being treated like a younger version of themselves or feeling unaccepted. They’re not only raising the issue, they’re writing, podcasting or otherwise broadcasting their feelings about it.

    A case in point is this Washington Post video by Jeff Guenther, aka “Therapy Jeff.” Guenther recalls the bad vibes from previous family Thanksgivings and the relief he’s found in no longer attending the holiday get-togethers. Here are some excerpts:

    • “Every time I’d fly home for the holiday I’d get these awful headaches and feel insanely anxious as I tried to shapeshift myself into the version of myself that I thought my family needed in order to love me.”
    • Ten years ago he stayed home and surrounded himself with friends and “it was honestly the most liberating decision I have ever made.”
    • “A lot of people think you have two options. Either go home and suffer or you stay home and feel guilty. There’s actually a middle path. You can go home strategically and protectively.”
    • “Use gray rocking. Be pleasant, be polite, be boring. Don’t hand them any tender information they can twist into a concern or judgment. Not everyone deserves access to the inner world. Some people only get the surface and that is more than enough.”

    painting: Carl Larsson

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Family Gatherings: Not Home for the Holidays

    The holidays–especially the two big ones in November and December–can loom as a misery for some families. The difficulty of travel, the forced togetherness at an endless meal, the anxiety over family infighting. There are joys, too, but for many of our adult kids who face long miles of travel with cranky children the holidays don’t loom bright.

    Do they have to spend the holidays with us, their parents? That was the question raised in a NYT The Ethicist piece. The answer was penned by ethicist Kwame Anthony Appiah

    For the writer of a letter to Appiah, there are issues about travel with young children and extended-family dysfunctions. At other times of the year, visits to parents are easier to pull off, calmer and friendlier. In answer to the reader’s query about the family’s obligation to travel forth at Thanksgiving, Appiah made two points that sum up our kids’ obligation to us at holiday times and ours to them.

    • Adult kids have special obligations to their parents; family ties matter morally. But those obligations are limited by feasibility, fairness and the interests of the adult child’s household.
    • Ethical “special duties” run in both directions: Parents should also avoid placing recurrent, disproportionate strains on their adult children, particularly when other, workable forms of togetherness exist.

    Not being together for a holiday on a specific day is not the end of the world. A friend, whose kids live a four-hour drive away, doesn’t even bother with a family get-together. Her tradition is to go out to dinner with friends and call it a day. If I can’t make it to my family’s gathering point for the holiday (plane travel is sooo unreliable; the weather can be wicked), I’ll binge on Ken Burns’ American Revolution and store-bought stuffing mix plus I’ll FaceTime virtual hugs with everyone I’m not getting to see in person. At least I think that would keep me in good cheer.

    painting: Norman Rockwell

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparenting: How welcome is our advice?

    So your adult kids are now young parents. Babies are gurgling; toddlers are beginning to walk, drunken sailor style. Pre-schoolers are making friends and picking up reading basics. For us as grandparents, this is such an exciting and joyful time. For some of us, though, it is tempered by our concerns that our kids’ parenting skills are not what we’d like them to be. They aren’t doing things quite the right way–or at least, not how we did them. Is it surprising, then, that when we offer our advice on a better way to, say, organize the grandkid’s toys or make sure the kiddies have cleaned their plates that our adult kids take affront. Joyful and exciting are replaced by tension and fighting.

    Evidently, it happens often enough that Perri Klass, a pediatrician and a grandmother, has written a column on the point, “5 Common Mistakes Grandparents Make.” Even for those of us “not guilty” of any (or maybe just one) of the Five, the column serves as a gentle guide and reminder of how best to share our well-earned wisdom with our grown children, no matter the topic.

    Here’s a summary of the Five Big Ones on Klass’s list:

    • Recognize that parenting patterns change with time. What was reckless for one generation may be conservative for the next one. Or vice versa. We may see the offer of cookies as a snack as a grandparenting indulgence while the parents may see it as a flouting of sugar-rules that are important to them.
    • Don’t blame your child’s partner. If you disagree with steps the parents are taking, remember the parents are a unit and that your adult child is one-half of that unit. If you have a suggestion to make, don’t go behind anyone’s back.
    • Don’t assume it’s the parent’s fault if a grandchild is struggling. “This is not the time to say “I told you so” or to point out that things in the home have been too disorganized or too strictly organized.” Our role is to be part of a support system.
    • Discuss important health issues with respect. You may disagree with the parent choice about immunizations or other important health-care steps. “These can be very hard conversations — in the home as well as in the pediatric exam room — and you have to try to stay respectful, be clear that you’re speaking out of love and concern, make your case, leave the question open if necessary and return to it — and don’t let it dominate the relationship.”
    • Don’t weigh in with advice too often. Pick your battles carefully and, for the most part, wait to be asked for advice. “There may turn out to be issues along the way, but choose those topics carefully — and pick your words with even more care.

    painting: Pierre Bonnard, The Conversation

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Estrangement: Are breaches between parent and adult child becoming a norm?

    There are reasons — let me not count the ways — why our adult children may stop talking to us, avoid all contact (even blocking us on their cell phones), or enter what’s called “low contact” mode. They may decide to stay away from family get-togethers–or we might not want them to join us.

    Whatever the range of actions or words that set them (or us) off on this path, the resulting estrangement is painful. It may even feel shameful. Sometimes time mellows the “misunderstandings,” but too often the inflammatory words or toxic actions that occurred–be it yesterday or years ago–get charged and recharged, especially around the holidays. Resentments grow and become embedded in the web of family relationships.

    The experts who study the field don’t know how exactly how prevalent estrangement is but even using the lowest estimates, it’s significant, according to Psychology Today. What’s more, the latest studies on parent-adult child estrangement are discouraging because they suggest that breaches are becoming normalized.

    • “In the generations prior to the baby boomers, there was a very strong norm of family solidarity – that blood is thicker than water. Those norms have weakened,” Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University sociologist, noted in a BBC article.
    • Where estrangement was once kept off the cultural radar, today it’s more likely to be out in the open–thus normalizing it.
    • Now there are concepts like “toxic relationship” to describe an unhealthy parent-child dynamic. “Parental mistreatment” ranks high among the acceptable reasons for pushing parents away, as does “not respecting their rules,” especially with grandchildren.
    • In his research, which included a survey and in-depth interviews with 300 estranged people, Pillemer found it is not so much a devastatingly toxic relationship or event that causes the breakdown of family ties but rather a “build-up of minor negative interactions.” 

    Feeding into normalization is a form of narcissism. Rising individualism may also drive estrangement, according to.Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist who works with estranged families

    Let’s not forget the outside influences that can inflame a difficult relationship. Social media makes it easier for an alienated adult to find a tribe of like-minded people online, and many influencers encourage cutting ties with “toxic” people–whether they’re a parent, sibling or other family member..

    The news is not all doom and gloom for parents who hope to reconcile with an estranged child.

    • A 2022 study of 8,500 people in the US estimated that 62 percent of those who were estranged from their mothers and 44 percent who were estranged from their fathers ended up reconciling for at least some period of time.

    Hopefully, this was engendered and sustained by healthy doses of empathy, self-reflection and a willingness to listen–on both sides.

    The NYT recently ran a list of four books on family estrangement. Here are the titles:

    • “Home Truths” by Lucy Blake
    • “Fault Lines” by Karl Pillemer
    • “Family Estrangement” by Kylie Agllia
    • “Rules of Estrangement” by Joshua Coleman

    Painting: Pierre Bonnard, The Late Interiors

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Leaving a legacy: To divide the spoils evenly or not?

    Let’s call this a variation of the King Lear dilemma. How do we divide our estate so that all our children are treated fairly, particularly if there are reasons not to split everything evenly.

    • If we have two sons and one is killing it as a venture capitalist and the other is doing good work for an underfunded advocacy group, it may seem fair to leave more to the “non-profit” son than the venture capitalist.
    • Or, one child may be more attentive to the parents than the other. That is, one child may have neglected his aging parents for years while the other has shown up for weekly dinners, come by to watch a movie together or been there to help with doctor visits.
    • In this somewhat privileged world of ours, there can be other wrinkles. A dad wrote Philip Galanes at Social Qs about his three sons. Two stand to inherit sizeable amounts from their well-off mom–the dad’s divorced wife–but the third son has a different mother who is not well off. The dad wonders whether he should “even things out” out by leaving a greater portion to the son with the not-wealthy mother. “I want all of them to be comfortable when I’m gone,” the dad writes, “but I worry that my older sons will be hurt if I leave more to my youngest son.”

    There is nothing wrong in dividing an estate unevenly (even if Lear botched it). The problem is that money talks and it can whisper “favoritism.” We may not be here to witness the trauma but at least one of our kids may come away feeling that the way we parceled out our treasures is a reflection of parental love.

    If we want to go the “uneven” route, there is a simple measure we can take to make sure that when we’re no longer here, our kids feel we loved them equally. In the case of the several-mother situation, well, there’s is an additional consideration.

    Let’s start with the all-purpose general advice and then let Galanes chime in on the specific.

    • One Size Fits All: No where is it written that the details in our will or the division of our estate must be kept secret–except in movies where the surprise of disinheritence or the leaving of a fortune to a beloved housekeeper is the melodramatic turning point in a story. (These scenes invariably take place in a lawyer’s office. Does that even happen anymore?). This is a long way of saying, we should talk to our kids about our estate plan while we’re still available to explain our reasons and to make adjustments.
    • Stay Focused: In the case of the sons with different mothers, Galanes points out, “for better or worse — and probably for better — you are not creating an estate plan with your ex-wife. And while you believe that she is “financially comfortable” now, that may change depending on her health and other circumstances as she ages. (The same can be said of you.) I suggest focusing on what you actually control here: namely, your own finances.”

    painting: Ferryman by Ivan Canu




  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Observations: Weight watching our adult kids

    Too fat? Too thin? Some of us are unhappy with the state of our adult child’s body. We remember when they were oh-so-fit soccer players, runners and dancers. But now, are they eating too much? Overindulging in junk food? Are they sitting around playing video games instead of jogging. It’s so tempting to remind them that they could diet or exercise their way back to fitness. We may work ourselves into a state of anxiety over what their body weight means for their health and/or their romantic happiness–and what we want to share with them in terms of ways to correct the imbalance in their body size. .

    Readers, Don’t go there. To that end, I offer observations on the subject from three advice columnists. First up: Philip Galanes from Social Q. He is answering a reader who complains that people often comment on her and her family’s height (they are all tall) and her middle school-age child finds it upsetting, but his observations apply to weight and other comments about physical appearance. , Galanes writes

    • For 17 years, I have advised readers that unbidden comments about others’ appearances are unwise. We never know what people are going through or how our observations will affect them. Even purported compliments — “What long legs you have!” — can trigger insecurities and private pain, even though that’s not what the speakers intend…..
    • Yet, for 17 years, I have met with steady resistance. Many readers believe that they are entitled to give compliments and to be curious (“Just how tall are you?”). Some even assert that they are making the world a friendlier place by butting in.

    Next up: The always reliable Carolyn Hax. A young woman wrote Hax to complain that her parents have been harping about her body size ever since she was a child and now have added the suggestion of taking GLP-1 drugs, such as Wegovy, Ozempic or Mounjaro. Hax is not buying it:

    • Parents have no business discussing adults’ weight unless invited, much less harping on it.
    • Should the reader try a GLP-1? Her doctor’s is the only outside opinion that counts.

    Third expert: the NYT’s Ethicist ,Kwame Appiah. His reader writes that he longs for the day when his daughter was a lithe and graceful ballerina. As an adult, she’s overweight and his concern is for her health: There is a family history of diabetes on both sides. Appiah sees a little wiggle room for weight discussions given the bona fide health concern. His suggestion:

    • Speak to her as an adult, with respect and candor, rather than as a child whose body you wish were different. That means keeping the focus on health and family history. Make sure she knows the concern comes from love, not disappointment — that your concern is for her well-being, not her waistline.

    photo: Maia Lemov